Showing weakness.

I'm realizing that you live and you learn. you move on. you adjust to change. and through all of it, you trust God. He knows whats in store for you... even if it's not what you want or think is best. Just check out Jeremiah 29: 11-13,

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

As much as I might try to plan out my life, it's not always going to happen the way I want it too. Take Andrew and I for example. Being a girl, I had it all planned out, I thought it would work. Turns out it didn't. Something that neither one of us could really do much about. Keeping up a relationship 8 hours away for the next four years wasn't going to happen.

I broke down a few days before we actually broke up, because I knew it wasn't going anywhere. I also knew God was telling me to give it up to Him and that it wasn't in His plans. I did NOT want to hear that. I held on to it as hard as I could. On Thursday night, my friend Colleen and Katie invited me to spend the night. So I did. And we just spent some time worshiping and reading God's word. Colleen kept pulling out all these verses that were SOOO appropriate... I was like, GOD WHY?! Why do you put all these people around me to remind me of your plan, and that what I want isn't your plan. I hate that.

So the next day, Andrew and I just talked about it and both agreed we couldn't do it. I didn't die. Yes, it hurt, and it was weird. It still is weird... but God's really given me a peace about the situation and knowing HE is in control. God is the master planner. He's my Heavenly Father. He knows my heart. He is the creator of love. Why even question Him?

Last night I get home and learn there had been a shooting right outside of my apartment building (literally about 200 feet from my door). A tad bit scary. Especially living by myself. Then I remembered what John Piper wrote in his book, Don't Waste Your Life. He states,

"Therefore risk is woven into the fabric of our finite lives. We cannot avoid risk even if we want to. Ignorance and uncertainty about tomorrow is our native air. All of our plans for tomorrow's activities can be shattered by a thousand unknowns whether we stay at home under the covers or ride the freeways. One of my aims is to explode the myth of safety and to somehow deliver you from the enchantment of security. Because it's a mirage. It 'doesn't exist. Every direction you turn there are unknowns and things beyond your control."

I had never thought about safety in this sense before I read this book. I had also never been in a situation where a shooting occurred near me. I think in Piper's book he was challenging people to not live lives in our comfort zones, but to leave our suburban, middle class neighborhoods and preach God's word in all situations. That certainly isn't why I decided to come to college in Greensboro, but it made me think about why I'm here. God has placed me outside of my safety mirage of Apex, NC for a reason. I have no reason to be scared here, because I am in the care of my heavenly father. The only truly safe place is in His hands (check out Ps. 91).

To sum it all up, I'm not comfortable here. God has placed me away from all of my best friends, not so that I'll be miserable, but so He can have all of me. He has put me in an unfamiliar environment that scares me so that I'll rely on Him. The end result: hopefully a life spent glorifying God.

Hebrews 12: 1-11

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

Embracing Community

"And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near." -Hebrews 10:25

Coming from a home where I'm surrounded by my strong Christian friends and family, and entering an unknown environment, seemingly void of Christian community is a terrible way to start college. My first week I was alone in an apartment, away from my comfort zone and the familiarity of home and all that goes along with it. I wasn't completely alone, I had friends up here from high school, but none that I knew well or were Christians that would support me. Although, it was only a week, felt extremely alone.

The past two weeks I've gotten involved with both Campus Crusade and Intervarsity. It's amazing how encouraging it is to be in fellowship with Christians after spent some time out of that environment. I'm in a small group with both organizations and am participating in intramurals for Crusade. I'm really excited about what God has in store for both of these organizations in my life and in others.

More importantly, is what God taught me yesterday. Sometimes, I hate being taught things, and lately has been proof of that. I wasn't listening to God. I wanted to be surrounded by people who would befriend me. I didn't want to be lonely or feel like an outcast. I really struggle with that. I'm used to having friends around me to keep me busy and to talk to and be social with, but I haven't really had the luxury of that here. I came home yesterday and God just broke me down.

"Why, Kelsey, have you been trying so hard to fill yourself with the things of this world and the people here? You want to be accepted and loved by those around you, but can't you see that I love you and I'm here for you all the time? Stop trying to fill yourself with friendships that will only distract you from me. I'll provide for you, when the time comes. Focus on me. Take a rest from your social life. Spend that time with me."

So I spent sometime in God's word yesterday, just reading and praying. It was awesome. God is awesome. So a large part of today, I've spent doing the same thing. I was reading in Psalms today and God showed me this verse (107:9) that really challenged me today:

"For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things."

It's not like now I'm going to become an anti-social college kid, but God's challenging me to not rely on friends to fill my void, but turn to Him instead. :) So that's just what I'm planning on doing.